The Schedule

I figure now would be a good time to talk about the schedule for the blog. If I attempted to make a full post every day, I would likely get burned out after a few weeks. I will make an attempt to write as often as I can for the first week or two in order to get some amount of content up here. After that, I will be making a new How-To every Saturday.

During the rest of the week, there may be smaller posts, depending on when an idea hits me that simply must be written down. Since I am writing an announcement anyway, I might as well mention now that I do appreciate any feedback and comments I receive. Without feedback I'd feel like I was talking to myself.

Well, more so than I already do.

How to butter toast. While on fire.

Mornings are hard to get a hang of. Your mind is still groggy from sleep and it probably took you 15 minutes to figure out how to get that coffee IV drip into your arm. Probably be another 10 minutes before enough caffeine gets into your bloodstream to wake you up.

It will probably take significantly less time for you to become aware that sticking freshly boiled coffee directly into a vein in your arm is quite painful. Thrashing about in pain obviously causes a few accidents and well thats about where we are. You are now on fire, and you haven't even had your morning toast.

A good breakfast is a vitally important start to every day.  So, it simply will not do to skip out on your breakfast, especially since the ambulance will probably be here soon and you don't want to wait 6 hours in an emergency room lobby hungry. The first thing you should do is grab some bread. the fire should burn through the plastic wrapper, saving you quite a few seconds. It will also lightly sear the bread, allowing you to completely skip the toaster.

Things are definitely looking up for you. I'd just about be jealous if it wasn't for that whole being on fire situation.  The bad news is, you are probably covered in second, possibly third degree burns at this point. Plus, your toast is looking pretty dry. Go ahead and set it on a plate so it doesn't get overcooked.

You'll want to get the butter out of the fridge. Enjoy the light cool breeze that comes off it, but try to resist the temptation to fan yourself with the door, it will only add more oxygen to the raging inferno that is the source of your heat problems in the first place.

You might notice that the butter is starting to melt as well. Heat can do that. Go ahead and hold the butter over the toast. In a few moments, the butter should start to drip onto the toast, making a light coating that soaks into the bread. you just don't get that cutting it cold with a butter knife.

At this point, the coffee should have had some time to cool off, so take a knife out and cut the IV bag open to use the slightly warm coffee to put yourself out. Finally, you can now sit down and eat your toast. Be careful though, it might still be hot, and you don't want to burn your tongue.

How to get to sleep. When a zombie attacks.

So you are laying in bed, no doubt pondering the number of sheep it will take to finally drift off. Somewhere around four hundred and eighty three you are rudely interrupted by an awful smell and the sound of glass shattering near your head. There are really only two possibilities for what is going on.

Either a zombie just broke into your room, or that five bucks you borrowed from Ted last week that you were planning to return today but couldn't got you in trouble with the penny pincher mob, and they didn't want to spend the money buying a glass cutter to more quietly put a severed horse head through your window.

I'm going to assume the first. Now, the first thing you should know about most zombie apocalypsi is that they are almost entirely short lived. Zombies are clumsy, unarmed and basically everyone knows how to kill them these days. If you can manage to survive the first wave without being caught off guard you pretty much have it made. Assuming these aren't rage zombies, in which case it will have already reached you while you were reading the last paragraph.

If so, the rest of this article will be of little use to you. please stay tuned for the upcoming "How to make the most of life. After getting bit by a zombie." where I will do my best to make the most of your final moments.

For the rest of you, I trust you have backed away from the window by now. As you can probably tell, it is really struggling to climb up. Zombies lack a lot of coordination, so they have that problem. You have most likely only a minute or two before it climbs through far enough to stand up, so I suggest we use this time to find a bludgeon.

The ideal bludgeon is one with a long handle, weighted on the end and if possible, pointy on the contact side. I realize this almost perfectly describes some mops, but I advise against using one. In a pinch, throwing a heavy iron pan may also work if you have no alternatives.

Once you have your weapon, head back to the room. Reach for the handle, then immediately turn around. The Zombie should be directly in front of you now. Had you entered the room, it most likely would have attacked you from behind during the moment of confusion when you opened the door to an empty room.

Go ahead and take your swing now. If necessary, you can also take this moment to say a cool one liner. Be aware though, the universe hates lame one liners and will punish you if you mess it up.

Once the zombie is dead, head to the bathroom. Spit in the sink a few times and then rinse off your hands and face. Blood spatter can carry the zombie virus and should be washed off for your safety.

Finally, grab some clean sheets and pillows and sleep in the closet. Zombies never find people in closets. Amazingly, the excitement from the encounter will make you much more sleepy once the adrenaline wears off and you should be asleep in about half an hour.