How to get to sleep. When a zombie attacks.

So you are laying in bed, no doubt pondering the number of sheep it will take to finally drift off. Somewhere around four hundred and eighty three you are rudely interrupted by an awful smell and the sound of glass shattering near your head. There are really only two possibilities for what is going on.

Either a zombie just broke into your room, or that five bucks you borrowed from Ted last week that you were planning to return today but couldn't got you in trouble with the penny pincher mob, and they didn't want to spend the money buying a glass cutter to more quietly put a severed horse head through your window.

I'm going to assume the first. Now, the first thing you should know about most zombie apocalypsi is that they are almost entirely short lived. Zombies are clumsy, unarmed and basically everyone knows how to kill them these days. If you can manage to survive the first wave without being caught off guard you pretty much have it made. Assuming these aren't rage zombies, in which case it will have already reached you while you were reading the last paragraph.

If so, the rest of this article will be of little use to you. please stay tuned for the upcoming "How to make the most of life. After getting bit by a zombie." where I will do my best to make the most of your final moments.

For the rest of you, I trust you have backed away from the window by now. As you can probably tell, it is really struggling to climb up. Zombies lack a lot of coordination, so they have that problem. You have most likely only a minute or two before it climbs through far enough to stand up, so I suggest we use this time to find a bludgeon.

The ideal bludgeon is one with a long handle, weighted on the end and if possible, pointy on the contact side. I realize this almost perfectly describes some mops, but I advise against using one. In a pinch, throwing a heavy iron pan may also work if you have no alternatives.

Once you have your weapon, head back to the room. Reach for the handle, then immediately turn around. The Zombie should be directly in front of you now. Had you entered the room, it most likely would have attacked you from behind during the moment of confusion when you opened the door to an empty room.

Go ahead and take your swing now. If necessary, you can also take this moment to say a cool one liner. Be aware though, the universe hates lame one liners and will punish you if you mess it up.

Once the zombie is dead, head to the bathroom. Spit in the sink a few times and then rinse off your hands and face. Blood spatter can carry the zombie virus and should be washed off for your safety.

Finally, grab some clean sheets and pillows and sleep in the closet. Zombies never find people in closets. Amazingly, the excitement from the encounter will make you much more sleepy once the adrenaline wears off and you should be asleep in about half an hour.