How to butter toast. While on fire.

Mornings are hard to get a hang of. Your mind is still groggy from sleep and it probably took you 15 minutes to figure out how to get that coffee IV drip into your arm. Probably be another 10 minutes before enough caffeine gets into your bloodstream to wake you up.

It will probably take significantly less time for you to become aware that sticking freshly boiled coffee directly into a vein in your arm is quite painful. Thrashing about in pain obviously causes a few accidents and well thats about where we are. You are now on fire, and you haven't even had your morning toast.

A good breakfast is a vitally important start to every day.  So, it simply will not do to skip out on your breakfast, especially since the ambulance will probably be here soon and you don't want to wait 6 hours in an emergency room lobby hungry. The first thing you should do is grab some bread. the fire should burn through the plastic wrapper, saving you quite a few seconds. It will also lightly sear the bread, allowing you to completely skip the toaster.

Things are definitely looking up for you. I'd just about be jealous if it wasn't for that whole being on fire situation.  The bad news is, you are probably covered in second, possibly third degree burns at this point. Plus, your toast is looking pretty dry. Go ahead and set it on a plate so it doesn't get overcooked.

You'll want to get the butter out of the fridge. Enjoy the light cool breeze that comes off it, but try to resist the temptation to fan yourself with the door, it will only add more oxygen to the raging inferno that is the source of your heat problems in the first place.

You might notice that the butter is starting to melt as well. Heat can do that. Go ahead and hold the butter over the toast. In a few moments, the butter should start to drip onto the toast, making a light coating that soaks into the bread. you just don't get that cutting it cold with a butter knife.

At this point, the coffee should have had some time to cool off, so take a knife out and cut the IV bag open to use the slightly warm coffee to put yourself out. Finally, you can now sit down and eat your toast. Be careful though, it might still be hot, and you don't want to burn your tongue.